My Mom isn't doing well...

[edit 7] 10:14pm 9/18/2014
She's still holding on. Her breathing is very slow and shallow. My big sister's birthday is in less than 2 hours. This won't be easy for her.

[edit 6] 2:28pm 9/18/14
mom woke up for a bit. She was confused but she recognized everyone. Dad and I were at home and she managed to stay awake until we got back. I asked god for a micracle. She woke up. We all got to say goodbye and know she knew who we were. 

[edit 5] 3:45am 9/18/14
my mom is one tough cookie. She's still hanging in there. She's been off the life support for 12 hours now. I'm so proud of her. She's so strong. But her breathing is slowing down. My tears are dry for the moment. I don't know how long that will last. I'm so proud that such an amazing woman is my mom. 

[edit 4] 3:45pm 9/17/14
She's off the life support. She's still hanging on and we're sticking with her through the night. (So tired I almost put edit 5)

[Edit 3] her heart is failing. Same with her kidneys. Her body is just shutting down. We've decided to let her go. They'll be taking out the life support tonight. 
My big sister, cindy's birthday is the 19th. Two days. She'll be 25. She doesn't believe in Jesus or heaven. For her this is the worst thing ever. Pray for her please. 
My dad, David, just lost his father and now his wife. He can't cook or clean, doesn't know how. Pray for him. 
My bro, William, isn't even out of high school and he's losing his mom. He doesn't yet know where life will take him and he'll be missing the support that us girls all had through picking a collage. Pray for him. 
My little sis Brenda spent so much time learning cooking and cleaning from mom. She always helped mom whenever she needed it. Pray for her. 
My grandparents are losing their oldest child and only daughter. Pray for them. My uncles are losing their big sister. Pray for them. 

Ill be fine. I know I'll see her again. 強はまま。tsuyo wa mama. Remain strong. Strength is Mama. 

[edit2] mom went into heart arrest yesterday. She's in ICU now. They say her heart is vey weak. She's got a breathing tube and the doctors say they're just going to keep an eye on her. She's on meds to keep her blood pressure up. Things could go either way. It the pneumonia clears up they can take her off the ventilator. And things will look hopeful. 

[edit] still on the train but dad said mom was able to squeeze their hands while they talked.
I've been listening to God-songs during the drive. I'm not shaking now but no way to know if that will last. I'll update again later tonight

Last night I called home and my sister hurridly told me that it was a good time because they were taking mom to the hospital in an ambulance. Turns out she has pneumonia.

Now for those who don't know, my mom has been under going cancer treatments for the past three years. It was her second bout with cancer and this time it was labled Stage 4 breast cancer. This means that the cancer cells have spread throughout her entire body. It can't be removed through any operation and it ended up being resistant to most forms of Kemo that were tried.

This morning I was told that she was resting easier, seemed more alert... but just a bit ago my dad calls me back saying to book a train home... I have a train for 6pm and I won't get home until after 9.

She's not supposed to die yet! She's supposed to see me graduate! After all the years of encouragement she gave me, keeping me in school! She can't go yet! ...

I'd had my phone playing music while working on an art project when my dad called. The moment the call ended the song switched to "Little Wonders" which is the same song that helped me get through my grandpa's death earlier this year. I know already that it's God telling me that even if I lose her that I'll be okay, and that she's going to be there waiting for me in heaven, but right now... I just want more time... I want her to see how good I can do. I've been trying so hard this last year to prove I can be okay... that she didn't have to worry.

I can't stop shaking. Normally I'm good at controlling my emotions so that I can support the people around me. But I keep crying and I can't stop. My throat hurts. My head hurts. I want to be home now and give mom a hug. I've known it was coming for a long time but it still scares me.

How is Dad going to get by on his own? How will he and my oldest sister get along living in the house when they constantly get into arguments that only mom and I can stop. My brother isn't even out of highschool yet. Will he be able to cope okay? My little sister has always been so reserved except around mom and our brother, will that get worse? Will I be able to graduate if I can't hear her say "I know you can do it!" ?

I'm so scared.

Let it go
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders
these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
but these small hours
those ones with mom
Still remain.

God be with us. Please.